“I’m a liar to myself. I am allowed to forgive myself.” – Pure by Matte Black
There are such life-altering secrets hidden in the lyrics of songs.
For my entire existence, I’ve lied to myself.
Because my whole existence I’ve compared.
With the hope to be seen as a fantastical beauty that changed the world.
Have you paid me a compliment?
Then heard my mother’s voice inside my head saying “My baby is so beautiful. My baby is so happy. My baby is so smart?”
Have you received a smile in return. A heart emoji perhaps?
But, away from others my mother told me the truth, the subsequent branded lies I told myself – in her voice.
Defined by lies after all, my intellect, my emotions and big personality couldn’t possibly be useful. What I kept inside didn’t matter, was theatrical and not worthy since I don’t consist of anything profitable. Still, I survived by pretending to be adored, fought for or simply rendered useful. At least to a stronger version of me.
Only with such songs playing in my mind did I realize, I am allowed to forgive myself.
Men do it upon instinct to avoid a blow to their ego. To protect it. Friends fall off of my branches like dead autumn leaves after saying, “I’m sorry”.
Everyone but me has been entitled to apologies.
What’s it like?
I finally get to know.
Singing it again – I am allowed to forgive myself!
Whats to forgive?
For taking too long. For being too loud. For wanting to stay in bed, stoned and crying after decades of caring for others.
I am forgiving myself for being too horny. For wanting to be desired. For wanting to be loved the way I love. For wanting control of my fantasies – for my existence.
I’m forgiving myself for carrying the expectations, desires, wants and needs of others and putting myself out to dry.
All along, I have played make-believe in daydreams. Not allowing myself to act on my fantasies. For when I have, I have shocked and leveled prophecies with my chaos.
Convinced that the many versions that live within me are lies meant for a different lifetime. A different me.
Let me cry through this vastness of self-forgiveness.
Let me unlearn four decades lying to myself about being a mistake.
Unless you come to cherish me beyond any comfort zone, pity not my lonely pathway.
My journey is my wanderlust and I owe it myself because I am done lying to me.
I am allowed to forgive myself!
Thank you Matte Blvck for bringing “Pure” into existence. This song holds a deeply profound meaning for me during the harrowing last six months but especially during Autumn.
It’s like the auditory code sung to unleash an aspect of me that I’ve prepared for and now have to face this winter.
For me, the last few weeks have been emotionally unbearable for and I hadn’t been able to achieve relief. I’ve been mourning profound losses this year, From my grandma’s death to being ghosted by people I cherished. I haven’t been numb to grief, heartbreak, and disappointment. I’ve been holding it back. The only sense of clarity I’ve achieved is through therapy and smoking weed, but it’s been music that’s been reaching inside me the deepest.
It appears the time for me to put myself first, finally has arrived and, it doesn’t look the way I imagined it to. There’s a vastness ahead of me that I am to traverse on my own. As a woman with a strong wanderlust, that means a lot of unknowns and self-exploration which for me, usually means coming to terms with aspects of myself that I’m uncomfortable with. Us witches call this Shadow Work.
The difference this time is, the only aspect of myself to hate is that I don’t feel worthy or deserving of what I imagine a beautiful, strong, independent woman is. I waited for everyone else to validate such for me. And because I have always believed this of myself, I’ve been constantly hurt and disappointed when others couldn’t, or wouldn’t, disprove the lie. With all of the loss I’ve experienced so suddenly this past few months, I’ve come to terms with a winter hibernation where I truly stop working on improving myself and just fall in love with me. I am worth it.
Listen more of Matte Blvck HERE