It seemed like only a moment ago when the first tiny green flower buds began to appear. The daffodils that lined the freeways are wilting back into decay. Dandelions have become puffballs dotting every green patch like spring snow.

Now, that the peak of spring has moved on, Witch’s Night set the jack o lantern within me aflame , the sun is staying noticeably bright later into the night to warm the pubescent growth under our feet. The very light that nourishes nature stretches its rays further, penetrating the darkest corners where spring is still churning out life. Of corpse it is, the sun is masculine energy, power-starved, and as the rainless summer days prove, it draws out everything and everyone to worship in its warmth.

Though I’ll admit, sunny warm days hit differently here. The greenery is vibrant. The sky is not filtered, it’s blue. It’s similar to how I feel about men. I can still be attracted to them, but, I don’t have to like them. I’ve never thought I’d live to even say that aloud let alone write it out.

It’s time to play amongst the elements.

Who am I? To adore so many plants, flowers, and herbs while taking a walk with my brood. It refreshes my imagination (projections of the realm of my mind palace), and I remind myself to taste the season, not to take it for granted because it’s spring and not autumn. This one is flowing rapidly by.

At least April did.

It’s been tricky trying to figure out how to self-love. At first I thought it was blatant indulgence but, I’m starting to figure it out. Being a hopeless romantic, falling in love with esoteric beauty is essential to my existence. So, surrounding myself with more art in lieu of strangers is what I’ve been seeking. Though, each day, I wake to spectacular sunrises that dazzle more than just my whimsical self; many people pull over to take photos of the sky here, so technically, I am immersed in artwork while doing anything.

So, April started with me fulfilling that desire to interpret paintings, drawings, and multi-media art that spoke to me. My blooming thorny flower, my longtime friend, was here and baited me with Portland’s First Friday Art Walk. The gallery that caught my attention was the first listed. Fears and Phobias Show at Slependorporium. While there, I found myself lost within a handful of paintings especially Time Devours It All by Steven Llewellyn and Sarina by Allison McClay .

The show was a refreshing change of pace that blanketed me with creative inspiration. Seeds were planted, and the time I got to spend with my Jenny, an evolving, anxious creative herself, felt like the welcome warmth that I reckon natural lovers of spring experience.

Filling my days without giving in to societal norms has me nurturing my punk roots. Using what I already have without burning out immediately had me dusting off my desk, clearing space on my phone, and remembering my login info to record a bi-weekly podcast focused on music. I became emotional while speaking to Alex Gonzales of Matte Blvck while disscussing their song Pure. And, when I spoke with Élishia Sharie , an astonishing revelation, an unlikely reunion was made between two Black artists from Lompoc, CA.

I’ve learned that self-love has nothing to do with productivity. Perhaps that’s why it’s so hard for most of us to practice it. Awakening from the matrix is exhausting. Therefore, napping or spending a day in bed even when I’m mentally sound is what it is.

It took me days to regain energy after bringing a fantasy to life. Now, I’m reframing my daydreams because I am their creator!

I didn’t get the chance to see Bowie perform live. So, like so many goths, I am beyond stoked about all of the rare and probably the last of the goth shows happening at the peak of Spring.

Sisters of Mercy, Skinny Puppy, Siouxsie at Cruel World and The Cure.

In my mind palace, I would be at these shows every weekend in May, concluding with The Cure on June 1st in Seattle. But after it took me days to recover any energy after Covenant played, I had to reframe how I’m going to proceed for the remainder of this dark spring.

Oh, Covenant was fantastic! It’s just, it was a Tuesday night, I am not drinking as much booze, and they were on stage for nearly two hours. At least when June 1st arrives, I’ll have a seat to cry in as Robert Smith serenades my gothic blood pump.

As I get used to offering myself more of myself I still can’t shake the feeling that I’m too late for more. It’s a feeling I’ve had my whole life and consider heavily when confronted with a life-altering choice. Perhaps the feeling is an echo of abuse or caution from an ancestor. Whatever it is, I am still plagued with apocalyptic dreams. The most recent, I could feel the heat on my back as I ran from billowing clouds of fire and smoke.

So, I thought some kind of exposure therapy would help lighten up my dreamscape. Portrait Slam was organizing a Post Apocalyptic photo shoot at B&R Wrecking Yard in Portland. In this reality, fuck trying to survive the comet’s impact or Yellowstone’s eruption, and especially fuck it if there’s a nuclear fall out. But, to play pretend as a Mad Max Fury Road-inspired character, Imperator Michelle, had me honed in on my punk creativity. Most of what I wore, I had and did the wig and makeup myself. And as the shots came in, I was wowed at what was captured.

And since a life as a forest witch is not far out of my reach, I felt it necessary to begin studying various herbal and plant and apothecary methods to take with me. Inspired by one of my favorite shops in Downtown Vancouver, WA Kindred Homestead Supply, I made my own laundry detergent and body wash. I’ve often bragged about how delicious I taste and how soft my skin is. Now, both are amplified and it makes for more natural feeling showering. I am a true earth Goddess for I wash my human skin with honey.

There was a moment after I had my mammogram where it hit me how society has brainwashed us into thinking we need to buy the simplest items for the sake of capitalism. No matter that wearing store bought deodorant is a no no when going in for a mammogram but, it’s filled with aluminum. I just happened to run out of my Clinical Strength Secret when I had my mammo and just stayed funky for a few weeks until I had the energy and enough of my B.O. to make my own arm pit balm. Now, everyone I live with is using it because it works better than the store bought shit. And, for the first time in a very long time, I feel as if I have contributed something useful for myself and my brood.

Speaking of Downtown Vancouver. I’ve always fantasized about roaming a Farmer’s Market like a Witch who emerged from her cottage to barter soaps, sex magick, and herbs at a village weekend market. The closest I have that feels very small town but is constantly bustling is the Vancouver Farmers Market.

Often, my intentions when going are to pick up ingredients to make a clever meal. While that happens, I like to treat myself to Razo’s Tacos. Despite all of my bragging about how wonderful the PNW is, the tacos I have had, and I eat alot, don’t compare to tacos in SoCal. But, tasting and trying to find a similar flavor of SoCal, I have had some good ones. Razo’s Tacos has a cheese taco made with a choice of nuts or chicharrónes.

My first thought…What in the caucasity?

Nuts don’t belong in cookies, brownies, dressing, and definitely not pizza (I’ve had that sadly happen to me), But, no, these tacos are DELISH! The family that runs Razo’s Taco’s are always kind, know my order and endure my salivating as they cook my tacos. Made with hand-pressed corn tortillas, the filling is delectable and worthy of SoCal flavoring. BET!

Other seasonal wares and foods I adore at the Vancouver Farmers Market are from Delish Farm , Magic tools from Tamla Michelle Holistic and vegan baked treats from Black Bird Alchemy . I look forward to tasting summer at the market.

As May leads into summer, this Dark Spring has been one of many beginnings and births to new ambitions. Even if it takes me a long time to finish a story or publish a blog, I am putting my self-love, my rest, my manifestations first.

All with the fantasy that I’ll turn into a mermaid/siren come Litha.

Many thanks to Portrait Slam. Tamron Americas. Pro Photo Supply. B&R Auto Wrecking. Flowers & Herb.